Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Christmas In July... The 4th Of July.

Without going into the reasons, usually I don't give Christmas gifts. But this year my folks got a gift from me at their house in Florida. I made a surprise visit on Christmas Eve after telling them for months that I was not going to be able to make it. When I showed up, my mother cried. So did my aunt. And I'm pretty sure I saw my brother cry as he appeared to be dividing in his head one more person into eight slices of pizza.

But it was a nice treat [& retreat] for me too.

For instance, we took the boat out on the Ocklawaha & St. Johns Rivers. My dad & I sawed & sanded & made some nice shelves out of wood from two cedar trees cut down out front. And I ate oranges. Yes sir, I ate oranges right off the trees in the back yard... on Christmas Day. Nice way to spend Christmas if you ask me.

But really the icing on the cake was when I couldn't wait to get back & document all the strange things that were stuck in my head the whole way home.

Among the odd things I encountered on the road-trip:

Jackson, GA: This ad was posted over a urinal at the Flying J truck stop along I-75.
Now why... why are the Canadians not getting the beer batter? That doesn't even make sense. I could understand if it was the Kountry Kitchen's location in Abu Dhabi but Canada's not exactly a tee-totaling nation.

*By the way, this is not the actual photo. The one I took didn't come out very well. I was rushed due to the intimidating & scornful looks from the other men in the restroom as they saw me getting a camera out at the urinal asking for help setting it to 'Macro'.

Keystone Heights, FL: For the first time I took B.B. to McDonald's for coffee & a McGriddle.
Here he is getting his head around the concept.
B.B. on the drive-thru idea: That is the sexiest thing I have ever seen.
"Let me get this straight. You drive up close to the building & they just.. HAND.. YOU.. FOOD.. THROUGH.. THE.. WINDOW?!"

Nickajack Lake, TN: Thirty-six empty cans of Busch under a bush.
It's a Busch bush. The seeds don't fall very far away, do they?
Must have been quite a Christmas.

Finally, Valdosta, GA: They were celebrating the 4th a little early.
Damn it Roy. I know it's called the 'UN-Candle' but you still can't light it in here.
Cracking wise about this is clearly unnecessary. But I do find it odd that I was the only one at the scene who thought it was funny.

And these are the stupid things that are gonna stick with me the longest. This is why I never see the larger picture. I keep taking the smaller ones. I keep staring at my shoes... that someone's thrown into the power lines.

So, hope everyone's year & holidays were capital. For the coming year, take a trip. Surprise someone. Take stupid pictures. Smart off every chance you get. Oh, & don't feed your dog hash browns. You'll regret it.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Where's my security appendage?

Anybody seen this? I'm not trying to ruin anyone's Christmas surprise but the fact is some of you might be getting this.

Ladies & Gentlemen,
The Boyfriend Arm Pillow
[Right now the thing is on backorder so don't get too excited.]

What in the world? I've seen some odd things on the internet but holy outcast!

And it's half a torso! So your imaginary boyfriend is the victim of a horrible shark attack? Notice it's the Boyfriend Pillow. They know good & well that if they had named it the Husband Pillow it'd have to have a pot belly, an untucked "Kiss My Bass" T-shirt & you wouldn't be able to snuggle up to it cus it smells like motor oil & a fart.

I wonder if the Girlfriend Pillow is just two legs. Maybe we should market that.

How 'bout this for ad copy?


[insert picture of two-legged pillow with Jerry's head nestled at home plate with eyes closed & pleasant smile]

Even though you'd rather be curled up on the couch alone, this is the next best thing with comforting legs that wrap around you as if to say, "Wanna go to Hooters for dinner?" or "No, I think that poster from Death Wish II looks a lot better on the mantle than the picture of my mother," all the stuff you'd never hear from a real girlfriend.

Polyester, filled with snuggly foam [rather than deceit, like the real thing]. Complete with G-String & small feet. Imported. 37" waist x 22" inseam, you know, a size 4. Sorry, discreet packaging not available, you freak.