Friday, June 17, 2005

My First Sensation Of Claustrophobia, Ever.

Encounter in an elevator today:

Guy with corn rows - "Did you have your eyebrows colored today?"
Me - [smiling, staring, rapidly tapping the "1" button behind my back]

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Anyone for Yum-Yum Pickles & Redpop?

By chance today I came across a website that
1) made me angry
B) made me ill
IV) made me write in my journal again.

And that last one is the kicker. I was a swirl of confusion when I read the website & came very close to sending a snotty e-mail to the author [got up to the ‘click on SEND’ part] but I thought better of it. I mean, picture Mike Farrell calling Rush Limbaugh’s show to cuss him out. We all know how that would go. Or, for that matter, Rush Limbaugh appearing on David Letterman. Oh wait, he did that. It was grisly.

So I then thought I would write about it here & put up a link. But now it seems I shouldn’t be too specific because it would only benefit the website author & probably increase her tiara size. Now I've settled on just describing the damned thing.

This is a website that graphically isn’t very interesting [not a big deal in my book]. This is a website that has almost entirely as its purpose the showcasing of innumerable essays to all of us on subjects such as

-Who qualifies as authentically gay or not
-Why feminism is evil
-The author’s progressive belief in BOTH a healthy male-female relationship AND a strong protective foreign policy
-PLUS how we can all benefit from reading about the author’s recent discovery of how to create a database in Microsoft Excel

But most memorably, this is a website whose author, a 24 year old recent graduate, very much in love with her boyfriend [proclaimed in various corners of the site], has a page dedicated to her considerable list of recipes. Yes friends. Amidst all this twaddle about how anti-American the liberals really are & otherwise inane dissertations on pointless topics, was the page of meals she could make if she was forced to. You know, if The Good Lord comes through for us & we get to go to all-out war with everyone except the British & Israelis & she has to rough it without her nanny.

But to her credit, I do believe she really could find the kitchen if she had to. It’s the room where as a child she would have had to go to get Brach’s Chews for the little black boys who would occasionally trick-or-treat in the neighborhood. Although she knew all they ever wanted in this world was to be white like her, still they wouldn’t really appreciate the extravagancy of a Symphony bar.

“Ah, what a neato idea? I’ll put up a culinary page on my website called Recipes of a Staunch Republican. After all, how will the yuppies be nourished if not for me?”

This page currently has a total of four, yes four recipes. But they’re recipes for dishes that I wouldn’t eat just based on name alone.

‘Cheesy Hash Browns’
‘Cracker-Crusted Ketchup Pie’
‘Sargento’s Ranch Nachos’

Not interested. Thank you. All the recipes consist of ingredients that are pre-packaged – I think in all cases powdered Ranch seasoning. And therefore instead of the expected instructions such as ‘julienne’ or ‘sauté’, she is forced to use terms like ‘shake’, ‘place’ & ‘break seal’. I mean it looks like a list of recipes you can find on the spine of a Velveeta box.

Now, for this one, there is little doubt in my mind that if anyone tries making it on their own just by following the recipe, it would flop. I know because that's what happened to me. However, I went to the person who made these once, and got all the secrets - just for you! Aren't I generous?
2 cans of Crescent Rolls
2 8 oz packages softened cream cheese
1 cup Miracle Whip
1 Package of Ranch Dressing Mix (Dry)
2 cups fresh broccoli, cauliflower and carrots
4 oz. Sharp Cheddar Cheese

Is she serious? These recipes remind me of when I first left my parents’ house & had to fend for myself. I was once so poor I ‘dumped’ Shoneys season salt all over a five-pound bag of potatoes & baked them. My roommate & I sat on the floor, watching his nine-inch TV that was sitting on top of a milk crate. It was the best Thanksgiving I ever had. But I’m not going to dedicate a page on my website to it. If I did I could call it Recipes For A Nine Year Old When Mom & Dad Are Out Gambling Your College Money Away.

Now, to be fair, I remember when I was just out of school. I thought the world was out there just waiting for me & my good damned ideas too. I thought that whatever I heard eight minutes ago was a revolutionary notion that I must share with the world - because there certainly isn't anyone out there as innovative & keen-witted as me. And I realize that most will think that I’m being mean-spirited. And you'd be right. Even though I’m not the first to be so & certainly not the first to get a few ‘Harrumphs’ for it.

You see, I don’t begrudge this person their beliefs [although I think her political & social sermons are the regurgitated yield of years of brainwashing, em… eh… I digress]. And I don’t begrudge her expressing them, as ignorant as they may be [digressing again]. But for God’s sake, can’t we keep the kids off of this site? I worry about the little ones. There should be some sort of parental control, eh? You know, like whatever Nazi censorship tool AOL has been touting recently? Something like that. Young kids that read this bilge are gonna end up as adults scooping gobs of Goober Fudge & Peanut-Butter on their fingers from a jar clenched between their chaffed thighs as they drive to Harris Teeters for more dried Hollandaise mix to sprinkle over some new dish they saw in Spirit Magazine called ‘Authentic Michigan Nachos’.